What's new in my life

Meet my mom - she's been sick

The letter below is a result of a fight my mother and I had a week ago today. I called her to give her my flight numbers for when my family and I will be traveling home for Thanksgiving.

To give you a run down. While I was talking to her I called my step father Paul (his name) instead of dad. My mom got very mad. She thinks because she has forgiven him for all of his wrong doings (30 years worth) that we should as well. Because of the fact that she has taken him back numerous times - frankly. she is embarrassed. So, she blames everyone else. She blames her sisters Connie and Jeri and even my grandfather of not treating him well. So, in return she has distanced herself from her family members. And in her mind I'm to do so as well. I am extremely close to those people. And in fact we are all going to Disneyland for two days with them. When she found that out her mind was made up. I was one of them. To add insult to injury~I found out my real father will be spending time in San Diego as well and we are planning on seeing each other for at least for a day.

The whole conversation turned into a jealous rage. I was left baffled, hurt, annoyed and very, very angry at this woman. I am so sick of all the crap she has dealt me as I sat idly by. I was her punching bag for so long. After she hung up on me, twice. My wall became my punching bag. To ease the hurt I wrote this letter.

Three things to make very clear.

1. My mother is a very mentally ill person.

2. I have never been so hurt in my entire life as much as I had been on Thursday.

3. I will never ever call Paul (the cheater aka stepfather) dad. Ever.

I don't know what's going with you. What were you doing before I called? What were thinking? How were you feeling? Where you upset about something? Is life so unbearable for you? I don't get it. All of my life I've been your protector. Forever I've been the one person who you could talk to. I've been there to hold you when Paul left you. I held your hand when he cheated. Spent late nights talking to you. I've always worried about you. I cared for you when you were sick. I smoothed your hair when you were tired. What goes on in your mind? What makes you turn so ice cold? Is your heart so engorged with Hatred?? Jealousy? Resentment? that you will do what ever it takes to get back at the ghosts that haunts you? Will you sacrifice what ever relationships you have at that time for the sake of your own selfishness. I did no wrong mother. Do you understand? I did nothing wrong.

For years I kept quiet. I never said anything to hurt you. All this time I never brought up the past. I never wanted to. I didn't want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I was the one that would yell and scream at the person who disrespected you. I gave you all I could and more. But it's time now mom to tell you - no matter how sick you are...how much your ailing, that you can't treat people like disposable trash. There are other people that have feelings and thoughts. That have a heart that can break. Do you know how much ache a person feels when a mother treats them like they don't matter? That you're the only person you love. How do you think that feels? Did grandma ever do it too you? Did it hurt you? Then why would you do the same to the people your supposed to love the most. Love more than yourself. More than your husband. More than anything in this world. Being a mother has taught me that I would sacrifice everything I have on this earth so that my children are happy and healthy.

If the worst thing I've ever done to you is call Paul Paul than so be it. I can live with that. How you can sit there and stand up for that man is beyond me. What he's done to you is incomprehensible. He's lucky I even speak to him. Yeah he raised me. I respect him for that. I really do. That is the reason and only reason he is graced with my presence. Do you or he even realize how fucked this family is? How do you think it got that way? Our young impressionable minds grew up with dysfunction. You say why does everyone bring up the past. I can honestly say I never have until today. But, unlike you who likes to see the world with their eyes closed we can not. We live it everyday. Do you know I look in Phil's closet everyday to see if his clothes are still there?. I'm so afraid that he will leave me. Because to our family the threat of leaving was normal. Do you know that cheating scares me to death? Do you know that I think about when you locked yourself in your room for days at a time and when you tried to kill yourself it haunts me on a daily basis. Do you realize that your lucky you have children that can get out of bed and function in a normal world. I know you were sick mom. That's the problem your always sick - but instead of owning up to it, you deny that it ever happened.

It took me 34 long hard years to establish a relationship with my dad. Not you. Not Paul. Not Leigh. No one will ever take that away from me. He has earn my respect. He has earn the fact I call my dad Dad. How you can bring that part of my life down to your level of misery? I'm proud I have Brian as my father. He messed up yes. Just like you. Just like Paul. But, I forgave him. And many many times I forgave Paul. So you think I should call Paul dad because he raised me. I don't thinks so.

I'll miss you for Thanksgiving. It's too bad that I won't see you. The kids were really looking forward to it. But I will not feel guilty for having a relationship with Connie, Jeri, Grandpa and the kids. I love them and they love me. If you have issues with them it's not my fault. It's yours. It's your own feeling of worthiness or lack there of. Contrary to what you believe no one is out to get you. That's not how the world works. Your the black sheep because you...no one else makes you feel that way.

I never sent this letter. I can't bring myself to do it. The protector in me - tells me it's wrong. I worry this may driver her over the edge. I worry that suicide thought still linger in her brain. I worry over her so much. Even at her worst I worry. I don't think I will send this. But, it made me feel good to write it.